What it means to be a resource

Feel free to skip this post, I just need to get some thoughts out there.

More than a year ago I attended CakeFest Berlin. I was literally a nobody in the community. I had released maybe one or two smaller projects, and had attempted to answer questions in #cakephp.

My girlfriend had just dumped me. She was starting to warm up to me again - all in vain, but what was I to know? - so I wasn't in such low spirits. I had a job and was learning. I was excited about classes and what could possibly lie ahead.

People are funny creatures, but likely the same as any other. I've come to see that many see one as first an asset and then as a person. If one is likely to help accomplish a task, meet a goal, fill a void, then one is welcomed with open arms. The moment this ceases to be the case, one is met with scorn and disapproval.

I ceased to fill the void for my ex, and she has moved on. I believe she occasionally gets pangs of guilt, at least judging from the random IM conversations she tries to have with me every couple of weeks, and the few text messages where she tries to relate her life to mine. In some sense, I do miss her, but it is likely just the idea that I miss. I can accept this.

I have friends that sometimes remember I exist and attempt some semblance of contact. It is mostly because I am willing to fund nonsense and as such they find utility in my presence. I know this because occasionally I refuse to comply and am ignored until such a time when the memory of my non-compliance has mostly withered away. I can accept this.

I began working with a startup in February, and since then I've been lacking as far as the number of open-source contributions I've made. Every once in a while I see the need to fix some small issue for a friend, or find that some project I need to use is slightly outdated, and I do indeed push or merge the appropriate changes. However, my own projects have languished. I haven't pushed a meaningful commit to CakePackages in months. I haven't closed out every bug in all of my github projects. I haven't updated all documentation. Hell, I haven't even cleaned up Marcy Avenue to the point where I can release a polished version, and I doubt I ever will. I most certainly have not aided Juan Basso in updated MeioUpload to remove cruft from the package.

Yet I still see issues opened on these projects. And those who open the issues are more than likely ungrateful for changes or fixes. Neither do many try and fix the issues on their own, in spite of the fact that the source is open, they already have accounts, they can perform one-click forks, and github allows inline-editing of files. I have a project that generates administration panels for applications based on database configurations. One developer has admitted that his company is using it. I have no real documentation other than my commit messages and the files themselves, yet I know of outstanding issues. I have yet to receive a single contribution from anyone. I seriously doubt I ever will, but I will receive feature requests or other demands.

I know of certain people that only talk to me when they need something. If a password to a service I happen to pay for and share with them changes for whatever reason, I'll get a text message or IM within a day asking what's wrong. If someone is bored and it is early morning, I might get a call or text because I am the only one still awake. If someone needs money, or needs to talk about something that is bothering them, I'm expected to come through or come up with some words of encouragement.

When my University starts back up again, I expect to get lots of people reaching out to me, to chat me up and reconnect. I suspect I'll be useful in some way within 3 or 4 weeks, but of course there are formalities to everything.

I don't think I'll answer this year.